I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
