someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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