I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I will pee on everything he values.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
