thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
