Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
