It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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