I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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