Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
