how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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