I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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