I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just gift wrapped bread.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
