i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
