i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
