Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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