She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
