Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
