I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
