I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
