I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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