Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
