my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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