that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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