My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
