We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
