So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
