This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
