wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i wish my penis had a tongue
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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