a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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