I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
