dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
