mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
