I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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