wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
