I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
