I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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