I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Did I show you my penis last night?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
