You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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