i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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