I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
