Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
