She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
