I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
