the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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