Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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