wanna go halves on a baby?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
