I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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