I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
