Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
