the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
