We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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