yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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